Adjectives on the Typewriter

she moves her words like a prizefighter

24 May 2006

On Fiction

"Why do we read fiction anyway? Not to be impressed by somebody's dazzling language—or at least I hope that's not our reason. I think that most of us, anyway, read these stories that we know are not 'true' because we're hungry for another kind of truth: the mythic truth about human nature in general, the particular truth about those life-communities that define our own identity, and the most specific truth of all: our own self-story. Fiction, because it is not about somebody who actually lived in the real world, always has the possibility of being about oneself."

~Orson Scott Card

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07 May 2006

Secret Formula for the Best University-Level Paper You'll Ever Write

1. Wait until the day before said paper is due.
2. Look over the guidelines and determine which ones you will not follow.
3. Select a topic, preferably one you find incredibly boring, as this ensures the professor's interest and benevolence.
4. Connect to the internet with the pretense of completing the required research, but maintain no intention of doing so.
5. Take an extended break from the strenuous work you have done so far (which should be none).
6. Change your topic to something even more unoriginal. At this point it is necessary to discard any research on the previous topic.
7. Create a vague and completly useless outline for the new topic.
8. Return to internet procrastination. Or take a nap.
9. Draft an introductory paragraph without focus or development, including as many syntactical errors as possible.
10. Spend in inordinate amount of time niggling over the "right words." This should consume 1.5 hours at minimum.
11. Physically tear the now-perfect introductory paragraph into little shreds and start over.
12. Re-write the exact same thing as before.
13. Attempt to follow aforementioned Vague Outline. Write a few equally vague and repetitive paragraphs.
14. Pretend to critique the draft thoroughly.
15. Fall asleep; wake up 2 hours before the paper is due.
16. Turn paper in without correcting any minor grammatical or spelling errors.
17. Wait expectantly for an A and the professor's undying admiration of your work.